Old Diaries !

A girl with a broken smile

Hey,

Well since I don't have that someone I told my problems to and relied on anymore I guess why not. I can just rant my thoughts here. Tak tahulah kalau diaorang still nak stalk blog ni ke tak en like how they did with my once sacred place I always go to. Yes, twitter. I rant in twitter since I first had it. My sad and happy thoughts semua ada dekat situ. Like back in 2010 kot I had twitter. Why bother me? I used to rant most of the things I can't rant to Z there and sometimes the things that I had rant to him. I used to talk to him about life. Well most of the time is me talking about my problems and how to handle it. Sometimes I seek advice and motivation.

They once asked, kau suka Z ke? I'm like wth man. Aku tak pernah terfikir pun nak suka dia as in like like. I only liked and respected him as the pengiring and senior. Tu je. Aku berkawan dgn dia sbb aku rasa selesa. He used to never judged and cared all the littlest details that I worried much. But, it ate me up. Well he despise me now. Aku teringin nak tahu kenapa korang sibuk sangat nak amik tahu apa aku buat dengan siapa aku bual sedangkan aku tak pernah tunjuk pun dengan korang. tapi bila orang lain buat siap tunjuk depan depan lg and aku tau even ada yg sembunyi sembunyi, kenapa korang tak pernah nak kisah ek? Why every bad things only revolve around me? Asal korang benci sangat dengan aku?

If you guys wanna blame it on my attitude, you guys can reflect yourselves back. Aku sorang je ke yg teruk sngt perangai? Korang sendiri ada jawapan tu. tapi apa yang nampak semua buruk aku, ego aku, selfish aku. Benda baik aku korang tak pernah nampak and appreciate. Selama ni aku banyak tolong korang korang tanya balik mana tahu mana dapat itu ini. kenapa ta boleh terima tanpa mempersoalkan balik? Bila aku buat mcm tu ramai yg melenting ckp kenapa aku kena rebel kenapa kena persoal benda tu. Well hello, if you guys can, I can too. This world doesn't revolve around you guys je.

Even if I am the bad guy, korang fikir balik ah. Korang tu pun bukannya baik sangat. Nak aku cerita perangai setan sorang sorang? Boleh je tapi aku malas. Don't act mature if you guys aren't matured enough. Aku meluat tengok. Oh and takyah lah kot nak acah acah kisah. Ingat aku bodoh sangat ke?

I can differentiate very well if you guys actually cared or just berpura-pura kisah. I can see it from your faces, body language and words. Aku cuma diam je.

Aku dah penat. Aku tawar hati dengan korang semua lepas apa yang terjadi. Things can never be the same. Kalau lepas ni kita berpecah pun aku tak kisah. Sebab korang sendiri pun tak pernah kisah. Korang pun kutuk belakang, mengumpat semua tu. Ingat aku ni hati batu sangat ke?

Maybe I showed my bad side to you guys. Cause you guys never cared to know the other side. yang korang nampak sisi buruk aku je. Kenapa mesti aku je belajar untuk tolerate and faham orang? Kenapa orang lain tak pernah cuba untuk runtuhkan ego and faham aku, belajar untuk tolerate aku?

Aku rindu nak bercerita. I know things will never be the same. But why it always have to be me?

Where Am I Now?

Assalamualaikum and hey.

It has been years since I last updated. Been through lots of changes. Things happened. I went for matriculation college in June 2016-May 2017. Now, I'm doing my degree in UiTM Kampus Bukit Mertajam in Civil Engineering (Infrastructure). I'm in my 12th week if I'm not mistaken. Gonna sit for finals in January.

Idk what has happened to me. I grew and shrunk. Wasted tonnes of tears. Going through mental breakdowns. Fooling around during my studies dekat Kolej Matrikulasi Perak. And I seriously regretted what I did back then. Nak sambung belajar in Chemistry but hardluck I'm here now. Almost ending my first semester doing civil engineering.

Sometimes you'll get what you despise the most. Sebab tu orang kata jangan benci sangat dekat sesuatu. Sebab kadang, benda yang kita benci tulah benda yang kita akan dapat.

I'm currently in training as a Bakal Komander, BK for Komander Kesatria UiTM Pulau Pinang a.k.a Batalion XI. Sumpah barai gila. Serious tak tipu. Benda yang aku dah lama buat dari darjah 4 masuk sini aku rasa macam aku bodoh gila. Pangkat Staf Sarjan tu pun dah memang boleh buat hiasan lah. Darjah 4- Form 5, KRS. Koperal dari Form 1-Form 3, Staf Sarjan dari Form 4-Form 5. 8 years duduk dalam KRS, 7 tahun jadi ketua platun,komander,helpers a.k.a pembantu jurulatih. 1 year of rest. And now I'm here again as something else. Sekarang nk tumpu finals but I have around 2-3 weeks of mental and physical torture before diaorg lepaskan kitaorg untuk finals. Then back to square one = pra-LIBK. Memang aku taktahulah cane tapi orang kata teruk gila. Be ready jelah. Then LIBK 2 weeks. Barulah boleh diiktiraf sebagai komander. tapi tu pun jadi Komander Baru, KB still kena torture gak sem 2 nanti. Cuma tak semua orang tahu. diaorang ingat dah lepas jadi bk ni dh okay dah. aku nk cerita pun tak blh. dah kena sound dua kali dah. Hahahaha..... emm tu jelah kot. dah lama tak type panjang panjang merapu entah apa apa. Few days left before 2017 ends. Gonna be 20 next year. Still can't believe it.

Bye,
shaminehanis.
xoxo